Tuesday, May 01, 2007

10 Years

Today and what it represents is something I have dreaded for a while. A decade is a long time. I remember when I turned ten years old and the gentleman who owned the clothing store next to my parents' pharmacy told me "Happy Birthday, Stephanie. Wow! You're a whole decade old." At ten, it seemed so important to have a decade pass in your life.

This past decade, however, has been a hard one. Today it is 10 years since the day my mom died.

Andrew and I have been talking about my mom often this past week. I told him that what I miss lately is the nice little things your mom does that make you feel like you're always her kid, even though you're somewhat grownup. This is what I miss the most right now - that feeling of being my mother's daughter. Of knowing that she has my back. Of knowing that she'll tell me to put on some blush when I look really pale.

A few years ago I read a book by Karin Cook called "What Girls Learn". It's about two girls whose mom dies after a battle with cancer. The author captures, in the last few pages of the book, what this feeling of loss is like:

"Here are the days that I wish would evaporate, slide right off the calendar and let me be. The first day of school, of spring, of the year. Parent-teacher night. Mother's day. My birthday. Their anniversary. The day she got sick. The day she died. That day of every month. Any holiday. Lots of days in between.

(...)

That I have lost my mother is everywhere in my life. I am not confident in my skin. I am the last to leave a room. Every end feels like a loss. The dregs of her lotion, the last spray of her perfume. (...) I am trying to keep still but the world does not stop."


This gap of time, these ten years between when she was with us and now, it's only going to get bigger. I know that I can't make time stop now. (Trust me, it took me a while to come to grips with that.) I feel a little more confident in my skin. And while the days and holidays have become easier, every April 30th has a twinge. This year, the twinge is just a little more poignant.

Please excuse me while I erase today off the calendar.

20 comments:

  1. *hugs and a handsqueeze*

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  2. Steph, what a lovely, thoughtful post. There's nothing I can really say, but I wish I could come up there and give you a hug.

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  3. Your mom was a great woman...loved by so many.
    If she saw you today...she would be so very proud of the woman you have become.
    I am sure she looks down on you often and smiles..
    I know this was a hard day to face....

    Love and hugs.
    Becca

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  4. *hugs* It's good that you have been talking to Andrew about her and happier times.

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  5. There is nothing I can say, except to thank you- I am a mom, happy and healthy, with one little girl (she came to us when we both thought I was too old to have babies!!!!) And the thank you is because you reminded me that even though Annie and I aren't really doing anything special, it is still special.
    I am sorry for your loss.

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  6. Hi Steph,

    What a lovely post - your Mom would indeed be proud of what a wonderful women you are. (insert hug here).

    I was just talking to a friend of mine the other day - she lost her dad to cancer about 2-3 yrs ago. Her one yr old has been doing some strange things lately...expressing similar gestures as her dad (things he would have no way of knowing), pointing in the air, smiling and saying "Poppy". For some reason I find that incredibly comforting...

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  7. *big hug* I agree with Becca. You Mom will always walk with you and live through you in the choices you make.

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  8. thinking of you. oxoxoxo

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  9. I'm crying for you, Stephanie. I dread the day when I will understand how you feel.
    xox

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  10. Hi Steph,

    I am sure that your mom is proud of you and is with you in each step you take throughout your life. You are her legacy and she shines and lives through you!

    I'm sure you had a hard day yesterday but I hope that each day, each anniversary will get a little bit easier and that you will never forget all the good memories you have of her!

    Hugs,
    Julie

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  11. *hugs*
    You are a daughter every mother can be proud of.
    Lots of love, Lesley

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  12. Hi Steph. I don't know you in person by i read your blog every day and I agree with your friends, your mom would be proud of you.
    I just wanted to send hugs too.

    Sylvana

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  13. A fantastic, moving post. Thank you so much for sharing.

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  14. Steph, your post brought tears to my eyes... sending love your way.

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  15. Steph,
    I feel your 10.
    Hugs.
    Kerry

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  16. I feel this way about my brother, although for me it is two year and not ten. The loss of a Mom, a brother, or… it is hard.
    The memories are so very bitter sweet, it is the little things, the unexpected, and the ordinary that makes me stumble.
    Hugs are sent from this side of the harbour.

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  17. I've been so obsessed with house stuff that I didn't even think.
    So sorry Steph...
    It doesn't feel like 10 years. I still remember the last phone call I made to NB when she picked up and answered. She sounded so cheery.
    A few weeks later I called and you were stuffed up - I asked if you had a cold and you me what had happened. I felt like such an idiot. I had probably intended on ranting about a boy of some sort. It all still feels like yesterday......

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  18. oh now I am crying....... I'll blame PMS if anyone catches me.......

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  19. How strange that I found your blog (through Ravelry, and that you are making Isabella which I just finished). I'm also from Halifax - although I live in the US now - and my mother died just two months ago.

    I miss the person that was my mother, but I also I HATE not being my mother's daughter. And you wrote that so well. Mother's Day is going to be tough.

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  20. Stephie - I love you...

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