Bedtime

Bedtime, a photo by Sesser on Flickr.

I'm tired. It's a complaint that most mothers of small children hear coming out of their own mouths while at the same time, our children are insisting that they are not, in fact, at all sleepy. At almost 38 and with this particular handsome 2.5 year old running around my house, I feel it in my bones and it scares me.

You see, I hope, pray, wish that this tired that I feel is not the way I really should feel. Because this tired is too tired.

The Mogrunt goes to bed at eight o'clock or thereabouts and I crawl into bed next to him to help him get to sleep. It is our snuggle time, our reading time, our bonding time. It is precious time and I love it. And no, I'm not going to stop it because you or any number of experts think it is wrong.

But every night, for the last, oh, six months or so, whenever I pause for those thirty or forty-five minutes to listen to his breathing change as he drifts off to dreamland, I am pulled there with him. It's as if those precious naps of his infancy, when we would doze on the bed after a feeding, have taken on a new form.

The problem is, while I know that being a mom is going to tire me out, the tired that I've been feeling doesn't seem manageable.

When I lie down in that bed, it's as if I am held down by an invisible weight and I have no control over my eyelids. I've fallen asleep many, many times fully dressed, with my contacts still in my eyes, only to wake at midnight and stumble to the washroom to get myself properly situated for sleep.

In a typical week, i am in bed and asleep by 9pm about 5 out of 7 days. Those two nights I do stay awake are lovely and productive. One of them is my knit night and the other is usually either Friday or Saturday. Not both, never both. You see, I feel like the five early nights are the ones where I play catch up for partying so bloody hard on my two "late" nights.

So, last week, I went to the doctor. I'm having blood tests done for low iron (which I always have), thyroid (please, no!) and a number of other things, including sugars. I did my best not to cry in his office as he is a new guy. Yes, I am that frustrated with how I've been feeling.

I'm trying to get exercise back into my life. This from the woman who used to pride herself on biking to work 7 months of the year. It's hard to bike when you have to drop a small lad at daycare every day. We need a bike trailer or something.

I eat a pretty good diet, though I know I eat too much sugar, chocolate etc. so I'm working on that too.

But in the meantime, I'm focusing the energy I do have on that adorable man with the toothbrush.