Friday, January 27, 2012


Bedtime by Sesser
Bedtime, a photo by Sesser on Flickr.

I'm tired. It's a complaint that most mothers of small children hear coming out of their own mouths while at the same time, our children are insisting that they are not, in fact, at all sleepy. At almost 38 and with this particular handsome 2.5 year old running around my house, I feel it in my bones and it scares me.

You see, I hope, pray, wish that this tired that I feel is not the way I really should feel. Because this tired is too tired.

The Mogrunt goes to bed at eight o'clock or thereabouts and I crawl into bed next to him to help him get to sleep. It is our snuggle time, our reading time, our bonding time. It is precious time and I love it. And no, I'm not going to stop it because you or any number of experts think it is wrong.

But every night, for the last, oh, six months or so, whenever I pause for those thirty or forty-five minutes to listen to his breathing change as he drifts off to dreamland, I am pulled there with him. It's as if those precious naps of his infancy, when we would doze on the bed after a feeding, have taken on a new form.

The problem is, while I know that being a mom is going to tire me out, the tired that I've been feeling doesn't seem manageable.

When I lie down in that bed, it's as if I am held down by an invisible weight and I have no control over my eyelids. I've fallen asleep many, many times fully dressed, with my contacts still in my eyes, only to wake at midnight and stumble to the washroom to get myself properly situated for sleep.

In a typical week, i am in bed and asleep by 9pm about 5 out of 7 days. Those two nights I do stay awake are lovely and productive. One of them is my knit night and the other is usually either Friday or Saturday. Not both, never both. You see, I feel like the five early nights are the ones where I play catch up for partying so bloody hard on my two "late" nights.

So, last week, I went to the doctor. I'm having blood tests done for low iron (which I always have), thyroid (please, no!) and a number of other things, including sugars. I did my best not to cry in his office as he is a new guy. Yes, I am that frustrated with how I've been feeling.

I'm trying to get exercise back into my life. This from the woman who used to pride herself on biking to work 7 months of the year. It's hard to bike when you have to drop a small lad at daycare every day. We need a bike trailer or something.

I eat a pretty good diet, though I know I eat too much sugar, chocolate etc. so I'm working on that too.

But in the meantime, I'm focusing the energy I do have on that adorable man with the toothbrush.


  1. Your story sounds like my story! I still lay with jake at bedtime - it is our special time too because I work full time and he goes to kindy full time. I also fall asleep next to him with contacts in my eyes and since they are one day disposables I sometimes just take them out in bed - just today I said to jake what is in your hair - a dried up contact from the bed!!!! I hope the doc comes back with a simple solution to ease your are not alone :)

  2. So not alone. I'd say for the first 18 months of little A's life, not only was I so bloody tired I could cry (and did...and this was with a kid who slept twice during the day and all night by five months...I felt insane), I was in intense pain. Joint pain, muscle pain...any and all kind of burning pain. I had no idea what was going on. Neither did my doc. Thankfully it eased off to a manageable level...somewhat. A and I read stories in our bed before she goes down in her room and if I don't sit straight as an arrow, I'm out within minutes. Sometimes I make it through two stories, and then I let her 'read' a story to me while I fall asleep.

    I've tried getting more exercise, getting out more in general but living with a shift worker makes the logistics of it next to impossible. Or I'm just not clever enough...I don't know.

    I know exactly where you're coming from and am terrified it's going to happen all over again when this new addition arrives. I hope your doc is helpful and you get some things resolved. Best wishes to you.

  3. I used to fall asleep on the couch at 7pm so I also had lots of blood tests. It ended up being my thyroid so now I take a small dose of Synthroid everyday and it's like I'm a new person. Hopefully your fix is as simple.

    And snuggle with your boy! He's growing up so fast so enjoy it before he gets too big. =)

  4. Anonymous6:21 p.m.

    My little guy is going to be three in May. I turned 40 in November, and I can relate so much to what you are saying. Sometimes I am so exhausted when we're out for a walk in the afternoon that I don't know how I'm going to make it back home. I know so many other mothers this is true for as well. The reality of small children is singularly wonderful and draining in a way that defies proper words. This exhaustion, with his early years, will pass. I think, in a way, it is the price we pay for being given something so priceless.

  5. I'm interested in hearing what the tests revealed and how you're feeling. I know that tiredness you're talking about. There are some times when I lay in bed and I start drooling before I even go to sleep. That is when I know I couldn't get any more sleepy. That is happening a lot lately.

    I hope you've been finding more energy!

  6. I am you! I get so tired sometimes that I am short of breath. It could definitely be low iron. My Dr. said that's very common. It could also be the unbelievable obligations in being a wife, mother and worker in today's world. I am encouraged to know that every year gets easier. My twins are 3.5 now and I feel like my head is finally above water. Of course, I haven't posted on my blog in 7.5 months...oh well, someday!

  7. You are not alone. 4pm is the hardest time of day for me. . .but, I do have to say that picture is absolutely darling!

  8. You have not posted in a while and I hope that you are feeling better and still having the snuggle time with the little guy! Your photos are amazing and word combos, so refreshing...please keep it up! Any update on your health? People care!