Monday, July 09, 2007

How to Scare Away the New Neighbours

Tonight, I talked to the daughter of the rhubarb patch neighbour. She informed me that the house sale is finalized tomorrow. The only things she knows about the new owners are:

1. They bought the house
2. The city has approved the lot being divided.

I am alternating between:
1. Fear.
2. Tears.
3. Outrage.

To think that someone might divide that beautiful lot into piddley lots and build a house on there is horrifying. Not only is it a beautiful garden, but well, we're scared for the big tree in the yard. We love that tree. I've already threatened to throw myself between the tree and the tree cutters. My only problem? I'm leaving for Newfoundland tomorrow night. By the time I come home, they may have toppled the shed already!

We've had it so good here at the Happy House. Despite our location, we have a fairly quiet back yard. I'm really worried about having neighbours who can see in my kitchen window.

Angie and I were discussing ways to make the new neighbours reconsider their decision:

Me: Ok, here's what we're going to do. Andrew and I are building a 9 foot fence and... and... we're going to be rude.

Ang: hee hee

Me: and we're going to walk around outside in outfits that would make a redneck proud. there's going to be a lot of arse scratching, farting and "adjusting".

Ang: so nothing new then HAHAHAHAHAHA

Me: No, not really

Ang: You should call andrew cletus and he should call you brandine and you should adopt 14 kids with different diseases for names gonerreha (i know I spelled it wrong) is a pretty name

Me: Little Gonner. That's a good boy's name!

Ang: gonerhea is a girls name, by the way

Me: "Gonner, you get your finger outta yer nose, unless you're sharin' with your sister, Rhea!"

Ang: hee hee you are perfect for the part. you need to get a mullet and/or a perm

Me: And stop dying my hair with expensive dye, just use Sun In

Ang: and cut of all your shirts at the navel and don't let andrew diet. He needs to start standing in the front yard with a beer
shouting at nothing

Me: Heh heh. I think we'll have twins, Gonner And Rhea.

Ang: nice

So, that's the plan. Operation Gonorrhea.

Wish us luck.


  1. word for word it is all there - you could have at least corrected my spelling mistakes.. HEE HEE...

  2. It makes it more authentic.

    I did take out the word ball in front of adjusting. I thought it might be going too far.

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  4. Divide the lot??? Speachless....

    (And those are the perfect names for twins. And if your dad catches his moose have him clean it in your back yard!)

  5. Anonymous9:59 a.m.

    I think Syphyllis is also a lovely name for a girl. Chlamydia. Not bad. I just feel bad for the littlest one, the boy named Herpes.

  6. There was a contestant on Canadian Idol a few years ago named Candida, which I found horrifying.

    Have fun on the rock. Have some cod tongues and scruncheons.

  7. Purrfect -- in our neighborhood we'd be the only folks left on the block.

    Evil, evil. I won't tell if you send rhubarb.

  8. Why? Why would they do that? Do they not realize that city houses with actual property are rare around here? Did they not see the new subdivision of "Portland Hills" where the houses are so close together you could reach into your neighbours house from your windows??
    They need a smack.

  9. You can also name your baby Oopsy Daisy and remind her loudly in front of the neighbors that Andrew ain't her real daddy. Remember: there's no need to shop for baby clothes as long as you have diapers.

    Oh, and you haven't raised your kids right if they don't have kool-aid mustaches 24/7.