Tuesday, August 30, 2005

My Imaginary Conversation With Martha, Fellow LYS Employee

Steph: Thanks for joining me here in my imagination today. I hope it's not too crowded. Mind the pink elephant. He tends to spill his tea.

Martha: Errrr... ok. Thanks for inviting me. *twists around in seat to see elephant sipping politely from tiny teacup*

Steph: I wanted to talk to you about this photo.


Can you tell me a little more about it?

Martha: It's the Leaf Lace Shawl from FiberTrends. I made it using Lucy Neatby's Celestial Merino. It's for my grandmother.

Steph: It's lovely. I'm sure your grandmother is going to love it.

Martha: Thanks. I think she'll like it too.

Steph: *distracted, looking at notes* Uh huh. Fascinating. And how long did it take you to complete?

Martha: Um, about a month?

Steph: I see. *rustles through papers on lap* I see here that you learned to knit in January of this year, and yet the projects you have tackled in these last 8 months are not what one might consider "beginner projects". Could you please explain to us how it is that you manage to knit so much and to advance so quickly in your skills and knowledge?

Martha: *blushing demurely* Well, I really enjoy knitting and wanted to learn more about it when I started, so I read as much as I could about the subject. Also, working at our LYS has allowed me to learn about different yarns and techniques.

Steph: So, youre saying that it has something to do with some sort of mystical beings, not unlike the elves in the cobbler's house?

Martha: Pardon me?

Steph: Elves. The elves are helping you at night, are they not?

Martha: I'm not sure what you're talking about.

Steph: The Elves. Tiny men and sometimes women. Wearing green, usually a jaunty hat of some sort?

Martha: *looking around for an exit, seeing only my imaginary world, which is, of course, filled with yarn* Um...

Steph: *expectant look on face*

Martha: Oh! THOSE elves. Of course. Yes, they help me out while I sleep.

Steph: uh huh... go on.

Martha: *panicked, but falling into step with my delusion* They, uh, do a little knitting. Sometimes, they take care of the laundry and... and... sweep the floors, feed the cat... you know, so I have more time to knit during the day.

Steph: Fascinating. And how does one go about getting their own elves?

Martha: Well, I'm not entirely sure, mine just kind of... um... appeared, out of thin air.

Steph: Appeared? *snort of laughter* You don't expect me to believe that do you?

Martha: Huh?

Steph: Elves don't appear out of thin air.

Martha: *looking bewildered* But, but...

Steph: Clearly, you're delusional.

Martha: *?*

Steph: It's ok. Don't worry about it. I've heard of this happening. You're stressed out. You've got too many WIPs. You're starting to believe that elves appear out of thin air.

Martha: *stare of disbelief*

Steph: There, there. You'll be fine. Just finish off a few projects. Here. Have some tea. Cedric, could you pour some more tea?

*cue the elephant*



6 comments:

  1. Bwha ha ha ha! I was having a really crappy morning (student loan/bank mix-ups are costing me a lot of money I shouldn't have to pay in perfect world. Can I come live with you and cedric?) Thanks for the laugh.

    Damn that crafy Martha for making us look like fools. Oooh, we'll show her, let's lock her in a closet with nothing but "I can't believe I'm knitting" pamphlets and nylon fun-fur - yes, yes, the yarn that was recalled due to its flammability. We'll give her those flimsy casein needles that keep snapping to knit with too. HA HA HA, take THAT Miss I-can-knit- beautiful-lace-and-other-complicated-projects really-quickly.

    Just kidding, if you're reading this Martha, I'm just seething with jealousy. Beautiful shawl (*said wistfully*).

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  2. Hey, what IS your LYS? Does it carry Fleece Artist sock yarn? Should I be interested, or just stick with my Koigu that is available locally? Inquiring minds....

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  3. I know that LK yarns in the Halifax Hydrostone Market sells Fleece Artist sock yarn. Tangled Skeins in Dartmouth (Steph's LYS) I *think* has some yarns that are not necessarily "Fleece Artist" but the colorways are done by her...
    Steph?

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  4. Absolutly hilarious! Here I thought I was the only one who admitted to having imaginary conversations in my head! ITS NORMAL! LOL!!

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  5. Um, how do I get me some elves? Ones with advanced knitting or housekeeping skills, kay?

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  6. martha10:38 AM

    you know those fancy sock yarns that sometimes come with a ball of reinforcing thread tucked away inside? well, apparantly every one ball in one million comes with it's own knitting elf. the WWKEGS (world wide knitting elf governance society) counts all balls that are produced through a complex and secret (okay, not so secret)ring of informants and as ball 999,999 is finished being hand or machine spun a special knitting elf is selected. sort of like that nanny 911 thing where the top mistress elf decides which elf should be placed in the home of the woebegone knitter. so one day, as i was rooting around for the start of the tail in a ball of debbie bliss merino aran, out pops this elf. it's a blessing and a curse - the damn thing eats about ten pounds of raisins every day and won't go to sleep without a shot of screech. i've also given him steph's cinammon bun recipe and he makes them every morning but eats them all before i get up. do you have any idea how hard it is to wake up to the smell of cinammon buns and not get to eat one? hard. cruel, even.

    so apparantly the deal is that i only get to keep him until the end of the year, and am not allowed to loan him out. i was also supposed to keep quiet about all of this but it's not like the elves can do anything about it right? i mean, it's not like they know how to...ouch, something's biting my cankle... razor...sharp...pain... must...get...help...CEDRIC!!! HELP!!!! HELP!!!!!!!!!

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